Such insightful words Denyse and yes it is hard to stop listening to that inner voice at times. You really are doing amazingly and I hope that by sharing your thoughts that you get some relief. I also love all the lovely comments which are helpful and caring.
I do thanks Deb. It’s heartening to be so well supported as I write to share. I am pleased with how I am making changes in my life and outlook which are going to help me navigate my ageing and life moving forward. Learning to be a kind listener to my words that are helping me through, and having more confidence to use MY voice! Many thanks as always for keeping an eye out for me too! Love that. Denyse xx
You can just not listen to the inner critic. Tell her to shut up. I don't listen to lots of advice people give me so why would I listen to that? Easier said than done but I have noticed the times I've ignored it, worn the outfit I'm too fat for or look stupid in, strangers give me compliments, all most every time. So I know my inner critic is often wrong about my appearance.
I'm sorry the IBS is back in force. You were doing so well. That will be a blow to confidence (as well as the physical blow). I think maybe you should think of all the things WE'VE said about you. Week after week there is a comment from someone seeing you from the outside (of your head) who is AMAZED at how strong you are, how resilient you are and what a go getter you are travelling all over Sydney. Maybe our voices could argue with your inner critic? She sounds incredibly wrong in her opinion.....
Ah it sounds so easy to say 'don't listen to her' but she's been around for as long as I have lived. Each of us grows up and is 'schooled' in behaviour expectations said and not said. I was a child of the 1950s and 60s. And with a dominant father and ...I won't say more.
The fact that I am seen by others differently and with the words you used is lovely but (there is always a but) I have to believe it too.
I am becoming more attuned to be self compassionate now because I was totally dismissing the idea that I was burnt out until the doctor told me as it was.
That meant (and still means ) I am catching up emotionally on 10 years of my life where I could not really manage all that was happening to me.
I am indeed fortunate to have on-line friends like you as cheerleaders and I thank you for that.
I am now going through a different stage of my body's recovery where I need to pay it more attention of the link between my IBS and my stress/anxiety around appointments and more. I now have more psychologist appointments to help me understand and acknowledge this.
Ps I've done this so I know how it works...we try so hard to be self compassionate, but become self critical in the process because it feels difficult. Be mindful that self critical part of you kept you safe, loved and successful in your career and some part of you finds it very difficult to let that go, but you no longer need it (self criticism). I try to say to that self critical part 'thank you for keeping me safe, but I want to live differently now. You can rest now and let's go on a new adventure together'. 😘
Hi Denyse, I see so much of myself in you. I've learned that self criticism is a survival adaptation which we learned when we were young. It kept us safe and loved, so we keep doing it! When we're healing, we feel we need to be 'doing' (old habits die hard) to fix ourselves because we feel something is wrong. The truth is we don't need to 'do' anything, we need to be. We apply the same rules to healing that have governed our lives, but we're enough just as we are, we don't need fixing. I spent ages caught in a cycle of...I feel anxious, this isn't right as I've got nothing to be anxious about, I'll journal/meditate/do yoga, but that perpetuates my belief that I need to do something as I always have. It's horrible being stuck in a survival pattern, but it's what we're familiar with. If you haven't read @kathyparkerwriter Bless The Daughters or @aileyjoley both are brilliant. Sending love ❤️ x
Thank you Karen. You are right about being stuck in doing mode…and I am understanding this recovery of mine is about becoming….simple in some ways, very hard in other ways but I am enjoying learning I am not alone! That’s so good about finding people like yourself who also get it. Thanks for sharing those people too. Undoing the ways in which we did life is interesting alright! Much love, Denyse x
I honestly had no idea what was going on with me almost 7 years ago. I knew I lived my life like a never ending to do list (as I called it at the time) and I knew I wanted to change, but I knew nothing about trauma/survival patterns etc. I'm an eldest daughter and there's definitely something about us all that is similar. Kathy Parker's Substack has helped me so much, I can definitely recommend her. I too have laid so much blame on myself that was never mine and that's so sad, but awareness is the start of a different path. I'm grateful to know it's not just me that experiences these patterns xx
Hi Denyse, I was pondering your words that the self critic within us may be to keep us safe from dangers and realised that this is true (when it comes to me anyway) in that it wants to protect me from criticism from others & myself and from failure (personally and publicly), but it is LIMITING me big time. Stopping me from being brave and adventurous and trying things that most likely I could do well but it is safer to not try because 'what if'. Our brains are so complex aren't they. I think generally though that we are all too hard on ourselves. It is a good thing though to keep learning to understand ourselves as long as we try to also be kind to ourselves in the process. Good thought provoking post! Thanks for sharing with us at #WWWhimsy ! xo
Thank you Min. I believe, now as I continue to try to understand more about me...and being human, is that we have protective parts for a reason.
You've articulated your needs right now so well.
I have had to do a lot of changing of my attitude to all I have 'been through' to accept it's been my body and mind affected by a myriad of health and other challenges.
Nothing I say or do is going to help me heal to the extent I think I want...but I do need to find self compassion instead of any 'blame' which used to be my first reaction.
Hi Denyse - I did the test (of course I did!) and got a low score (no surprise there). I think we know all the right responses and reasonings, but it's getting it cemented in deep that takes time. I'm great at self-compassion when I'm doing well - but rubbish at it when I'm "failing" at something.
What I love about retirement is that there is less to stress me, so that inner critic has less material to work with these days - and I can adjust where necessary - like your IBS incident, you change your appointment, slow down, care for yourself, and re-set for another day. xx
Oh Leanne, thank you for sharing so frankly. It is embedded in us (and we both know we have added ‘old roles’ related to being eldest and daughters. I literally have to make these shifts in being more compassionate because I cannot heal well using critical self talk.
I am so grateful for your understanding and care. Yes to how I dealt with last Monday but it remains for me, a work in progress!
Such insightful words Denyse and yes it is hard to stop listening to that inner voice at times. You really are doing amazingly and I hope that by sharing your thoughts that you get some relief. I also love all the lovely comments which are helpful and caring.
Take care xx
I do thanks Deb. It’s heartening to be so well supported as I write to share. I am pleased with how I am making changes in my life and outlook which are going to help me navigate my ageing and life moving forward. Learning to be a kind listener to my words that are helping me through, and having more confidence to use MY voice! Many thanks as always for keeping an eye out for me too! Love that. Denyse xx
You can just not listen to the inner critic. Tell her to shut up. I don't listen to lots of advice people give me so why would I listen to that? Easier said than done but I have noticed the times I've ignored it, worn the outfit I'm too fat for or look stupid in, strangers give me compliments, all most every time. So I know my inner critic is often wrong about my appearance.
I'm sorry the IBS is back in force. You were doing so well. That will be a blow to confidence (as well as the physical blow). I think maybe you should think of all the things WE'VE said about you. Week after week there is a comment from someone seeing you from the outside (of your head) who is AMAZED at how strong you are, how resilient you are and what a go getter you are travelling all over Sydney. Maybe our voices could argue with your inner critic? She sounds incredibly wrong in her opinion.....
Ah it sounds so easy to say 'don't listen to her' but she's been around for as long as I have lived. Each of us grows up and is 'schooled' in behaviour expectations said and not said. I was a child of the 1950s and 60s. And with a dominant father and ...I won't say more.
The fact that I am seen by others differently and with the words you used is lovely but (there is always a but) I have to believe it too.
I am becoming more attuned to be self compassionate now because I was totally dismissing the idea that I was burnt out until the doctor told me as it was.
That meant (and still means ) I am catching up emotionally on 10 years of my life where I could not really manage all that was happening to me.
I am indeed fortunate to have on-line friends like you as cheerleaders and I thank you for that.
I am now going through a different stage of my body's recovery where I need to pay it more attention of the link between my IBS and my stress/anxiety around appointments and more. I now have more psychologist appointments to help me understand and acknowledge this.
The journey to recovery from this is a long one.
Thanks for your kind words and concern.
Denyse x
Ps I've done this so I know how it works...we try so hard to be self compassionate, but become self critical in the process because it feels difficult. Be mindful that self critical part of you kept you safe, loved and successful in your career and some part of you finds it very difficult to let that go, but you no longer need it (self criticism). I try to say to that self critical part 'thank you for keeping me safe, but I want to live differently now. You can rest now and let's go on a new adventure together'. 😘
Hi Denyse, I see so much of myself in you. I've learned that self criticism is a survival adaptation which we learned when we were young. It kept us safe and loved, so we keep doing it! When we're healing, we feel we need to be 'doing' (old habits die hard) to fix ourselves because we feel something is wrong. The truth is we don't need to 'do' anything, we need to be. We apply the same rules to healing that have governed our lives, but we're enough just as we are, we don't need fixing. I spent ages caught in a cycle of...I feel anxious, this isn't right as I've got nothing to be anxious about, I'll journal/meditate/do yoga, but that perpetuates my belief that I need to do something as I always have. It's horrible being stuck in a survival pattern, but it's what we're familiar with. If you haven't read @kathyparkerwriter Bless The Daughters or @aileyjoley both are brilliant. Sending love ❤️ x
Thank you Karen. You are right about being stuck in doing mode…and I am understanding this recovery of mine is about becoming….simple in some ways, very hard in other ways but I am enjoying learning I am not alone! That’s so good about finding people like yourself who also get it. Thanks for sharing those people too. Undoing the ways in which we did life is interesting alright! Much love, Denyse x
I honestly had no idea what was going on with me almost 7 years ago. I knew I lived my life like a never ending to do list (as I called it at the time) and I knew I wanted to change, but I knew nothing about trauma/survival patterns etc. I'm an eldest daughter and there's definitely something about us all that is similar. Kathy Parker's Substack has helped me so much, I can definitely recommend her. I too have laid so much blame on myself that was never mine and that's so sad, but awareness is the start of a different path. I'm grateful to know it's not just me that experiences these patterns xx
Hi Denyse, I was pondering your words that the self critic within us may be to keep us safe from dangers and realised that this is true (when it comes to me anyway) in that it wants to protect me from criticism from others & myself and from failure (personally and publicly), but it is LIMITING me big time. Stopping me from being brave and adventurous and trying things that most likely I could do well but it is safer to not try because 'what if'. Our brains are so complex aren't they. I think generally though that we are all too hard on ourselves. It is a good thing though to keep learning to understand ourselves as long as we try to also be kind to ourselves in the process. Good thought provoking post! Thanks for sharing with us at #WWWhimsy ! xo
Thank you Min. I believe, now as I continue to try to understand more about me...and being human, is that we have protective parts for a reason.
You've articulated your needs right now so well.
I have had to do a lot of changing of my attitude to all I have 'been through' to accept it's been my body and mind affected by a myriad of health and other challenges.
Nothing I say or do is going to help me heal to the extent I think I want...but I do need to find self compassion instead of any 'blame' which used to be my first reaction.
I am pleased my words struck a chord.
Take care, and thanks again for the link up.
Denyse x
Hi Denyse - I did the test (of course I did!) and got a low score (no surprise there). I think we know all the right responses and reasonings, but it's getting it cemented in deep that takes time. I'm great at self-compassion when I'm doing well - but rubbish at it when I'm "failing" at something.
What I love about retirement is that there is less to stress me, so that inner critic has less material to work with these days - and I can adjust where necessary - like your IBS incident, you change your appointment, slow down, care for yourself, and re-set for another day. xx
Oh Leanne, thank you for sharing so frankly. It is embedded in us (and we both know we have added ‘old roles’ related to being eldest and daughters. I literally have to make these shifts in being more compassionate because I cannot heal well using critical self talk.
I am so grateful for your understanding and care. Yes to how I dealt with last Monday but it remains for me, a work in progress!
Take care
Denyse x