Turning Trauma Into Gratitude.
Continuing my acknowledgement and acceptance of my oral cancer.
Welcome to Denyse Whelan Writes Here.
Turning Trauma Into Gratitude.
I missed the message way back that my body and mind were trying to tell me in 2017 and beyond.
I pushed away the deep sadness I felt at what my ailing body had suffered and got on with healing and doing all I could to get well after a very rare diagnosis with an oral cancer.
The body decided late 2024 that it had “had enough” of my trauma and grief and more…and it let me know in a few ways. I was extra fatigued, things I used to find joyful were a chore, and I lost a lot of interest in socialising…getting to the point where my I.B.S. would show up so “I couldn’t go anywhere” and that was because my anxiety was high.
Along with the rare cancer diagnosis I had the year of moving back to Sydney, my 100 year old father becoming unwell, eventually dying, estate management duties, and our ageing… enough I reckon for my G.P. to declare “Denyse, you are emotionally exhausted” and “please take the steps you know to self-care over everything.”
I did what I was told… but for me, as many I guess, learning to live with that knowledge, and take on board what TRAUMA I experienced with my oral cancer was a challenge.
And then some things started to make sense.
I knew why I began to feel scared/worried about returning to see the prosthodontist at Westmead for my regular visits
I sensed my fear of being triggered when asked to do some voluntary work around my cancer
I would eventually stop being an Ambassador for Head and Neck Cancer Australia after 5 years of service because I was worn down emotionally and physically by my constant contact and need to be present around head and cancer people and circumstances
I remembered some of the ways in which I felt traumatised but “thought I needed to get on with things”
My G.P. reminded me, that with the diagnosis, surgeries and recoveries I DID need to be following instructions, have updated appointments and continue my surgeries etc…and I am compliant so I did.
I recall small sessions of feeling teary and resentful of what I could no longer do in terms of eating and socialising
BUT…I used to counter all of that with “I am doing well” and “Show your gratitude”
Below…some lessons from present time me…..
So from late last year till now, the time of writing being one day away from my diagnosis in 2017 and 7 years since my last surgery
I have allowed myself to:
grieve for my body and what changed within me
grieve for the losses like eating a range of foods and being social whilst eating
be triggered by some of the memories and writing about them privately
become more accepting of WHAT was a traumatic time in my life…and now it something I can LIVE with
understand that memories will come and go
as will emotions but as long as I do not ‘get stuck’ on a negative and allow it to pass, I am doing well.
And in doing so I am grateful
to be marking this occasion with a positive set of images throughout this post
to be feeling more courage about my life changes and how I am handling them
to be…as I can already feel..on a recovery where I am learning to love life as I now know
I am a proactive person and sought out various ways in which I could help myself too and the apps I use and programs I follow have been so good for me
to have friendships made via this space and elsewhere where I can share
to have my kind and loving family’s respect and love.
biggest appreciation for this man…my husband who has been with me as a 100% supportive carer…and also quick to let me know “you are ready to do this for yourself now”….and he is always right!
And because this post is going live today..here’s what I shared about what I was doing 7 years ago today…..
My courage as I found some weeks back in recovery also now means that I have confidently made my next appointment to see my prosthodontist at Westmead after delaying seeing him due to my burnout..and triggers. I am so pleased I have moved on….from last visit. We usually take pics…
When I was recovering from oral cancer..I was 14 months with no upper teeth…it took that long for my top lip (half was reconstructed from leg skin ) and space between it and my jaw for there to be room for the prosthesis and once I could do so, I did a selfie each day.
I would be told how much my smile mattered.
I continued that over this past 4 months as I wanted to ‘see within me’ how I was doing. It was hard work but I am sensing my return is going carefully and well.
I will see my G.P. in a week and haven’t seen her for 7 weeks.
Thanks for reading and if you want to know more, I am happy to reply in comments.
Warmest wishes to you.
Denyse x
It’s a tough ride Denyse - and I’m not trying to focus on the negatives by saying that - rather, by acknowledging the tough times may it shine a light on the ongoing grace we need to gift ourselves 😘💜
7 years is a lot of time, and it can also feel like yesterday - depending on how our emotions and thoughts are directing us at any given time. I think you're doing a lot of processing of feelings that you didn't deal with back then Denyse. I truly hope you'll be able to work through all this and finally put it to rest. Every morning when you see your smile in the mirror, you know you beat it and the hard work was worth it. You have so much joy ahead of you that is a direct byproduct of all that you went through to be healthy and whole again. Go you!