Is It Grief or Burnout?

Maybe it's my reaction to LIFE!

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On Saturday 20th July 2024, amidst howling winds and freezing weather conditions I asked myself why I was feeling unwell.

A kind of physical unwellness, with some lethargy, a shortened ‘fuse’ and an inability to find something that helped me feel a bit or a lot better.

My husband, who is a close observer, noticed what he thought was some intolerance of others…(oops, a bit frustrated on a tech phone call)…and I had some teary moments….that lasted.

After a time, my husband wondered if what I was feeling was

BURNOUT….

I considered this as I know I had it way back in 2002 as a school principal and yes, a lot of it added up…

But why now?

• It would seem that the many months of being concerned about my late father’s health, and visiting as often as I could, along with supporting my brother and sister in law in their more regular and present care for Dad, was something that took its toll.

And then as I spent some time before posting this to Substack, I took into account other parts of my life when my emotional and physical health reacted to ‘overdoing’ things and I began to feel:

• overly tired but not sleeping well

• increasingly resentful of ‘my load’ even though I had chosen it…caring for others including my husband way back and then over time our grandchildren

• cranky…and impatient but unable to verbalise well what I felt

I know now it was (and still can be) a burn out time when I OVERDO and OVERGIVE of me…and I can pinpoint blogging…and being ready to STOP….and being an Ambassador for Head and Neck Cancer Australia and ready to retire.

Interestingly these two occurred around a year ago. July seems to be the month for it.

Add to that, our own ageing..(mid seventies now) with some health issues…and then, ensuring Dad had the January 100th Birthday celebration he wanted (and it went well) for which I did most of the planning and preparation (happy to do so) coming off the back of RSV in November, and Covid in December.

Some snaps of me and Dad from before then!

After Dad’s birthday I visited a couple of times in mid January and early February and was aware that he was not doing well in some ways, but that I also wanted to ensure my comfortable health levels, I put off a mid February visit. I actually CHOSE self-care over Dad care that day…and I went to Manly and around where we used to live. It was hard not to visit Dad, but looking back I DID this part of self-care right.

• Dad became very unwell during the weekend of the 17-18 February but he told neither my brother nor me. We were brought up to date very quickly on Monday 19 February when Dad’s health status meant my brother needed to place an urgent call to local aged persons’ quick alert team. After Dad’s examination it was deemed he would be admitted to hospital that day and he oversaw that.

• Dad would never return ‘home’, and his body slowly, then quickly took the journey a body does at 100 years, 6 weeks and 45 days, and he died. In relative comfort and with family who wanted to, having visited in recent days. My brother was with Dad as he passed away.

• From that day, until now…five months …which does not sound long, but has involved a LOT of emotional conversations, planning and decision making, ensuring we (brother and I) carried out Dad’s wishes for funeral (none) and celebration of life (one) and we took up the roles assigned as co-executors of Dad’s estate.

• I am reminded of how fast the first days and weeks went, looking at an organisational summary I wrote for myself. And believe me, my brother and sister in law were, along with our daughter, very active in ensuring Dad’s unit was ready to hand over to the owners of the leasehold within 2 weeks.

• If you have been involved with this role, you might know it’s quite a time of ensuring all is done accordingly, meeting with lawyer who Dad selected for his will, powers of attorney etc, and keeping on top of paper work.

Fortunately between the legal side, my brother’s accountancy skills and career, and my support as a careful reader of documents …I eventually got to know what a teacher could bring to this...it’s been good but not without its challenges and small discrepancies we have picked up. I live an hour from my brother (and the lawyers office) so it’s been a long-ish drive at times but we have worked on a way to meet half way too!!

From one of our half-way meet ups.

Self care for me has been getting outside and into nature where I could, and having some solo coffee dates. However, there is a pall of sadness still…and likely will be..as grief combines with some thoughts about my ageing too.

I’m literally slowing down now.

I am owning up to the very big change that’s occurred.

Dad was part of my life of course but for over 74 years. We are looking towards a somewhat better lifestyle with the addition of a second car once we order it. We tried life as sharers of one car, and it worked but back to two, will help both of us have some independence…thanks to my inheritance. I’ve been saying “thanks Dad” in my “letters to Dad” in my journal. Dad did letters to Mum when he wanted to ‘catch her up’ and so I took my guide from him! It’s very helpful tool in grief and gratitude.

And I am listening to a very interesting book by Dr Tim Sharp called “Lost and Found” …how to wander your way to a better life. Now I am thinking my life is pretty good but I like the ways he writes about trying some new paths. I am going to do just that.

Take care everyone. Grief and burnout can creep up…as I know.

Denyse.

Here I am joining with Min and friends for here Wednesday’s Words and Whimsy today.