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What’s the FEAR word about? It starts here….
I’m becoming increasingly interested in memoir writing. I know I thought I had shared My Life, with Telling My Story via my blog posts and that would be it.
Now I am learning this: I want to become a writer of memoir.
Since moving to Substack there are some people whose writing speaks to me. I note that on the top of this list, for me, is memoir writer, Clover Stroud. I’ve listened to 3 of her 4 current memoirs and am so engaged by her words.
I’m awaiting a copy of a book called ‘Writing True Stories’ by Patti Miller whose work on memoir writing I have followed but cannot attend her classes.
Onward…
Last week my post seemed to create interest as to what might be news/next for me in terms of travel.
Before I outline anything at all I need to explain something about how I became travel and risk adverse. In other words, I was (and still can be) fearful of travel.
2014 into 2017 Denyse.
I was not doing ‘life’ as easily as I may have made it appear.
I can give an impression of confidence but underneath, and within I can feel fearful and less than courageous.
This time in my life I was dealing with a LOT of major life shifts and transitions that readers may recall. They included:
being fully retired from paid work..with no real super. Too long a story
eventually being granted a part aged pension. Grateful indeed
and leaving our family, friends and the familiar after selling our house to free us of a mortgage, and moving to the ‘quieter/different’ life 2 hours north of Sydney.
I admit changes like these can be harder on some than others..and I was in the ‘some’ group. I am a feelings person and my inner gut told me often it was not pleased. Sigh.
TRAVEL as such, even a simple (ha!) drive from our place on the coast to Sydney to see Dad or our kids and grandkids sometimes was not possible due to my levels of anxiety and resultant I.B.S. bringing the need to ‘stay home’ where it was safe.
FAMILY visited us from time to time but due to my heightened stress about ‘so much’ I could only enjoy the visits for short periods. We did have a couple of visits to them too, and I tried to get to see Dad.
I used to wonder ‘what is WRONG with me?’ I accepted eventually that I was, in the opinion of the G.P. and psychologist, someone whose feelings took a LONG time to catch up. I began doing some exposure therapy then, and challenged myself little by little to ‘go out’ more.
Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) focuses on helping patients to behave more consistently with their own values and apply mindfulness and acceptance skills to their responses to uncontrollable experiences.
In ACT, exposure exercises can be any opportunity for an individual to practise approaching a situation or sensation that she characteristically attempts to avoid, control, or escape, instead practicing willingness and defusion in the service of broadening her behavioural repertoire in the presence of the avoided.
My work with my psychologist in 2016 into 2017 was HARD..but…with her using ACT and me understanding it, and that to change my life I had to face and do hard things. In my case, it helped me get to my very important dental appointment in April 2017 because I had to face my fears of:
travelling with B as driver (not a worry really but I was not in control!)
having an episode of I.B.S. where I might not be able to find a toilet
driving away from home on M1 to the dentist.
These were very real fears for me then…and yes I succeeded and was home very tired out from the effort…and the teeth removal which would eventual lead to oral cancer diagnosis.
BUT the experience STUCK and then over time, I could use it to give me confidence to go further and do more.
BUILDING my EXPOSURE to “FEARS” and not running away. There were times to come I had to tell myself “is it better to stay stuck or to get going”…..
In stages, I did this and did not know HOW important this training would be until 17. 5. 2017.
From Then I HAD to Travel.
I was diagnosed with a rare oral cancer, and the ONLY expert in the field to help me was in Sydney, 2 hours away and so, with the endless patience of my husband we began what would become TRAVELING for my health. From May 2017 until March 2018 my husband drove me to every hospital stay, examination, surgery and prosthodontic update.
I had to manage my anxiety* ABOUT travel (and resultant effects on my gut) with practical measures and reassurances that B would stop at a rest area if I need to use the toilet.
*I have an anxious disposition but not a diagnosed condition, it’s just part of me and I am grateful for that.
That I have learned how to do that, with support of my G.P. too, and the use of meditation and some rescue remedy and more, meant I successfully made it there and back…and here’s what happened:
I GOT BETTER at TRAVEL.
I began feeling some self-confidence return. It began after my first surgery when I recovered well…and was, allowed home early. I managed my daily meditation, walked a bit too, to help my nerves settle and approached the trips better. I have to add, and B knows this, I ALWAYS feel better when I am driving and alone.
So almost all of my trips to Sydney and back - except the one where I had surgery in May 2018 were solo and in my red car.
I had more social catch ups locally and even travelled to Sydney to stay overnight to see Vivid and attend a special function at Chris O’Brien Lifehouse in June 2019. I admit I found staying away from home…food wise…very limiting, and something I am working on since my stay in Sydney in May 2024. See this post.
My Life Experiences Began To Broaden…Then Came COVID!!
2020 - 2022
We all remember the limitations around sharing company with others and travelling. I admit we did get to have a few trips to Sydney to see family but restrictions around numbers who could gather in a house…..and risks to people of our age…blah blah…were taken seriously.
I did get to travel to Newcastle - about 90 minutes from home - to enjoy Writers’ Festival functions and I shared a couple of coffee catch ups with friends…and my FINAL visit was made to Sydney for a cancer check in October, and all was about to change for ME. Us I mean.
2023 We Returned to Sydney After 8 Years Away!
I began to travel back and forth to my father’s at Dee Why and that became more often and at times I would become anxious again as Dad was into his 100th year, and I would worry about how he could continue to live where he was. I know, what good does worry do??
I also was surprised that it took me around 4 months for my confidence to re-surface after the big move by end of February 2023. Again I had forgotten about the emotions catching up.
But I got better over time and SO enjoyed catch ups with friends from my teaching days and sought to enjoy their company more.
I am quite an extrovert and find I need this and had missed it but I was re-building a confidence within slowly and at times hesitantly.
And then the months from December until late February 2024 were more consumed with Dad’s deteriorating health, and the ‘will he/won’t he’ be around for his 100th in mid January. He was and he enjoyed the family being there, and then, as regular readers know he succumbed to a relatively short and nasty illness, dying on 2nd last day of February.
Between Then And Now…Travel Became a Question.
Did I want to use that passport I was planning to renew?
Yes.
Did I have great plans to travel?
Yes.
And how are those plans working out?
Not well. YET.
What’s next?
As I outlined in my post, about exposure therapy, it takes planning and doing for the fear/worry to be faced and challenged.
I admit I have had some “STOP” moments based on, my husband thinks, some P.T.S.D. from my cancer care memories and people known through those years. I actually pulled out of attending some functions at the cancer care hospital I know so well because “I did not want to re visit” those years. This I believe was a self-caring matter. It did take me some time to ‘get over it’ as I am a reforming people pleaser.
And boundaries. Sigh. I am still learning them.
I have been invited by current school principals to come and visit where I used to teach. They want to ‘show off’ and that’s lovely but I have had to say no, that the only schools I want to visit now are where my 3 youngest grandkids attend.
Maybe I am doing better than I thought! “OLD'“ me would have turned herself inside out to attend …to please others.
SO, Next is Day Excursions of MY Choice and SOLO.
Last week I examined my very black and white rule book (you know, the one we have inside us…or is that just me) and thought I could ‘break a rule’ going out solo at a particular time of day that was different to my usual and I DID. I made it an adventure and allowed it to unfold as it did.
I Went Here. To the Edge of Sydney Harbour.
Instead of heading my ‘usual way’ to see the harbour I tried a new street in Kirribilli and followed my nose..I have a good sense of direction…ending up where the two official residences are: Kirribilli House: for the Prime Minister of Australia and Admiralty House for Governor General of Australia.
I got an easy street park and walked. Saw magnificent views and took in Sydney from places I have only ever seen from the Harbour!
MAGIC views …so PLEASED with MYSELF too.
My Plans.
I do need to become more day trip confident..and I admit, part of it is leaving my husband. He is not 100% well with a significant spinal condition and I “MISS” him (and he me, he tells me) but he is adamant I do not stay home because of this.
I am off to the Blue Mountains this week for a solo day trip in the RED car…oh, and life is easier if I am away, for my husband as he now has a car again. Yay.
And in less than 6 weeks I am having two nights away in Canberra partly to see Floriade and partly because I LOVE visiting some places in Canberra and have not been since 2013.
Somewhere along the way, by the end of 2024, I am wanting to spend a couple of nights in Wollongong where I was born and will re-visit places from my life there and my parents.
Let’s see how things go and I will be back to share how I am managing that inner fearful me.
If you read this far, I am so grateful!
Denyse.
Here I am joining with Min and friends for here Wednesday’s Words and Whimsy today.
And for the time it’s needed I’ve become a member of #TeamWWWhimsy to ensure the commenting is shared and conversations continue.
I recall you sharing all of these moments and how hard it was for you to travel away from home. It has been so good to see your growth. I see so much of myself in your words and having seen you tackle those fears throughout the years give me hope that one day I will be able to do the same. I look forward to following your new adventures!
You just do it how it works for you. NO one should pressure you into doing these things. Take it slow and easy and build that confidence.