Welcome to Denyse Whelan who has a free space (thank you Substack!)
to Write Here!
Thank you for following, reading and commenting. This is why I write…to connect!
Look at Me! Look at Me! Look at Me!
This is a cry for attention or is it?
In my case, I’m choosing to ‘look at me’ with greater self-compassion and understanding than I have before.
I am, as they say, my worst critic.
I grew up as an eldest child, and had strict parents with high expectations around education, family life, loyalty, and giving back to others. This was in 1950s and 1960s and I was compliant. Mostly.
But it’s been since the death of my father earlier this year, and reflecting on my relationship with him after Mum died some 17 years earlier, that I can see I may need to open myself up for some metaphorical pats on the back.
And I have aged. Oh so much. In some ways for the better and in others…well, nature!
Ten + years is a LONG time and it was finding an image recently that gave me cause to STOP…LOOK…and CONSIDER…what has changed me (appearance wise and inside)
This collage made by me using two selfies.
From Dad’s 90th Birthday in January 2014 and his 100th in January 2024.
And I HAVE changed.
Appearance-wise this has been because of a couple of reasons.
Anxiety, Grief, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, then a diagnosis of a rare oral cancer followed by several mouth reconstructions, and an aging gut system means I have LOST weight, by around 28 kg in that decade…and kept it relatively stable for a few years.
I like how I look now.
I didn’t like how I looked then.
HOWEVER this is what I did not realise (black and white thinking) is that my family and friends like/love me ‘no matter what’.
My lesson to myself over and over from Sharon Salzberg.
WHY?
I guess that undoing the thoughts (mine!) about myself over decades is to stop listening to the inner critic and watch the words I use about me too.
I’ve started to learn that “I” have been the one who has criticised me the most.
For:
setting high (unattainable) standards for others
and me
and not understanding that those may be WRONG
because what “is” perfection…unattainable…
and I am ME…not my mother, nor my female predecessors
and I am OK
In fact I am WELL, and now DO my best to stay that way via some daily practices that help me and have been for past years:
daily meditation and reflections
daily gratitude practice of writing
walking in nature most days
eating regularly and within the capacity I have after oral cancer and reconstruction
having chats with B over the course of the day (retirement life bonus)
meeting up with friends socially
catching up with family when they can
knowing I am enough
and that I can….as my image above says:
I choose what I do and where I go and no longer feel I have to have anyone’s approval. It might sound odd, but that ‘inner good girl’ still felt she needed to do that.
NOT
ANYMORE
How about you?
Take care of those inner voices!
Denyse.
Here I am joining with Min and friends for here Wednesday’s Words and Whimsy today.
And for the time it’s needed I’ve become a member of #TeamWWWhimsy to ensure the commenting is shared and conversations continue.
Your smile says it all Denyse, you have changed as you say but sometimes it can be change for the better. Our inner voice can be hard to turn off but you are working hard on this aspect and have been through some tough times in the past decade. Take care and keep doing what you're doing! #TeamWWWhimsy
Hi Denyse, I never liked looking at myself in photos when I was younger and hated having my photo taken. These days I've accepted my aging face and embrace all the experiences my face and body have been through over the last 67 years. We all have the 'mean girl' voices and you aren't alone there. Your smile says it all, so keep smiling, Denyse xx #TeamWWWhimsy